Vicci is a member of Good Shepherd’s HOPE forum, taking place every month – the forum is an opportunity for service users to have their voice heard and improve the services we offer. This is her story:
I first heard about the Good Shepherd through Recovery Near You which I was referred to by probation services to help with my drug abuse and alcohol dependency. I was going through a difficult period in my life and was self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, to try and deal with childhood trauma and losing several people who I loved. I’d lost my confidence totally and was probably around 6 stone lighter through addiction, I looked awful.
I was in and out of jail cells when I was self-medicating and was at risk of losing my home. I couldn’t believe the position I was in and was grieving for the life I had, and what I’ve lost. I’ve had good well-paid jobs, I’ve worked as cabin crew for Thomas Cook airlines and managed an art gallery in Birmingham. I think I was a bit of a snob actually, I couldn’t imagine going to a soup kitchen. But I when I stepped through the door I felt welcome. It didn’t matter who I was, what I looked like, you were all treated the same way. The Good Shepherd grounded me really. I was given a meal and had received support from key workers to help with my accommodation.
Through probation services I was referred to Changing Lives – a women’s charity. I used to go to an art-group every Thursday. It was great, and really therapeutic but after I finished my probation, I couldn’t continue the group which was a shame really. SUIT also helped me in terms of support, to help get my confidence back. They referred me to a theatre group and I did performances at the Newhampton Art Centre, in front of about 80 people. It was amazing, I started to get the old Vicci back.
I also joined the service user forum at the Good Shepherd. It gave me a sense of purpose. It doesn’t matter how small the change was, even if it was a noticeboard on the wall outside, or a trip on the canal – those small changes made us feel like we did that – we made a difference. I still attend forum now every month, I think it’s important to get your voice heard.
When I was self-medicating I used to go into a like a tunnel, I don’t know whether you’ve watched Peaky Blinders, but it’s like Tommy – the room would spin and I’d just black out and wake up in different places and rooms, it was really scary.
I took myself to Penn Psychiatric Hospital and I was referred for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), it took a while to get it but when I finally got on the course it was through lockdown. It was done remotely and was really good actually. I was staying at my boyfriend’s parents house at the time in a beautiful location. I’d have these sessions remotely and it was just the most scenic background of fields and horses. I’d been referred before but I didn’t really engage with it. I just turned up as part of probation but I finally got that epiphany moment on the fourth round of CBT where I thought what am I doing wasting my time and all these other people’s time. The psychologist said I was traumatised, and I was finally diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
I was then referred to Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which is an accelerant of CBT really through my probation officer. DBT helps you to disassociate the anger of what’s happened to you and managing your emotions. It’s that realignment of your brain – I can talk about what’s happened to me now and that trauma because of that retraining. Before that I would just get upset or angry about what happened to me but now I can talk about it. I was abstinent for 3 months after the therapy but then I relapsed.
I continued to self-medicate whilst being on the waiting list for EDMR therapy for years. That’s thing with the NHS I couldn’t thank them enough when I had the treatment but it’s just the waiting lists. It took two magistrates to recognise that I kept getting in trouble because I needed help to cope with mental health issues. They said it was ridiculous, and it was at this point I finally got my referral to have EMDR therapy.
The EMDR therapy which is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing was life changing. It was exhausting actually, as it felt like I had to relive some of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I felt like I could touch, feel and smell some of my traumatic memories. But it was also amazing. I’m so thankful to the NHS for this treatment, since I’ve completed it I haven’t had another episode and it’s been almost 2 years now.
I just want to mention all the partners that have helped me along my recovery journey, Good Shepherd, SUIT, Changing Lives, Recovery Near You, and Ingenus (it was Shaw Trust) – it was definitely partner agencies working together that’s help me.
I’m now volunteering with Ingenus every week doing peer to peer mentoring and I really enjoy it, I’m also looking forward to getting full-time work with them.